God's Instructions for In-Laws

As we continue our study in God's hope for your home, specifically God's instructions for in-laws. The Bible says in Genesis 218, the Lord God said, it is not good for the man to be alone.

I will make him a helper suitable for him. Then down in verse number 24, for this cause, what causes that? It's the cause that it's not good for man to be alone, so therefore God would make him a suitable helper for this cause. a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh. The whole idea of leaving and cleaving was God's idea. It was a plan designed by God. Someone has suggested that the reason Adam and Eve got along so well is because there weren't any in-laws to interfere in their marriage.

Well, maybe if they would have had some in-laws, they wouldn't have led the universe into sin. But needless to say, the bottom line is that the whole leaving and cleaving idea was God's idea, not man's. God designed it that way. And when we think of that, there are many things that go through our minds, many emotions that we conjure up, such as maybe you hear this evening and all your children are gone out of your home. You had that, quote, empty nest syndrome. And sometimes there's that feeling of lowiness that creeps over mom and dad, knowing that the last child has finally sprouted wings and is gone.

On the other hand, there are some of you who like to change your locks because your kids keep coming back so often. Others of you would like to maybe move away and not give a forwarding address so that your in-law or your daughter-in-law and still alone show up all the time at your house. A number of years ago, when Lori and I were first married, her father asked her to write a song concerning the time that one day soon, all the children will be gone.

At that time, we only had Alan and Andrew, but this is what she said. One day soon, honey, it will be you and me. Let's think for a moment how different it will be. Our days will be slower, our nights long enough. Our yard won't be cluttered with their broken stuff. We'll watch what we want Or do nothing at all There won't be scuff marks all along the wall Our room will be our room Our bed spread could be white We won't listen for footsteps or cries in the night No peanut butter or jelly We'll probably eat out We won't spend one minute saying Say please or don't pout One day soon honey They will be grown.

We'll prayerfully send them to places unknown. For now, though, let's treasure each baby doll, each bug. Let's calmly clean the spill juice up off the rug. Let's teach them. Let's hold them. Let's laugh as they play. Let's make concerts or games the highlight of our day. Let's tickle them, pray with them. Let's sing a silly song for one day soon, honey. They will be gone. That's true. She was 21 when she wrote that. She just had her birthday. I won't tell you which one, this past week. And when we talk about the empty nest syndrome, I'm kind of excited about that.

Looking forward to the time, all my kids will be gone. For her, it's another story. She does not look forward to that day. I don't know where you are at. I don't know if you're one who has sprouted your wings and has just recently left your home, Or you are the in-law or the father-in-law, the mother-law, who is at home in wondering what has happened to your children. But the Bible says in Psalm 127, verse number three, the children are a gift from the Lord.

We've talked about that. And therefore, because they are a gift, we are to possess them or we possess them very briefly. We're not to hold on to them. We have them for approximately two decades, about 20 years. And that's it. God gives them to us for a short time in order that we might teach them and order that we might train them but there's going to come an end to that gift time there's going to come in there's going to be a passage that they will soon leave the nest and go off and get married go off to college go off to be on their own and mom and dad must soon realize that that's why we have talked about baby dedications and why they are so important.

Because as you dedicate your child to the Lord publicly, you are telling your church that these children of mine that God has given to me for a brief time are here now with me, but will soon be gone. But they are God's children more than they are my children. It was A.W. Tozer who wrote these words, everything in life which we commit to God's care is really safe. and everything which we refuse to commit to him is never really safe. Think about that. If you commit it to the Lord, if he give them to the Lord, then you can trust that the Lord will keep them safe, protect them, watch over them.

God will do his sovereign work in their lives. And that's our responsibility as parents. And we prepare them biblically. We possess them briefly. We prepare them biblically because, as arrows, we shoot them into society in order they might be the kind of people God wants them to be. That's our responsibility. And one day, those strings will become wings. And they will be on their own. And they will leave. And then they will marry someone else. And you will become a father-in-law. You will become a mother-in-law.

And God has specific instructions for you in the Word of God. And that's why we've done the series. on God's hope for your home. We want you to be equipped with knowing what to do. There has been over a dozen of you at different times over the last 25 weeks that have said to me if only someone had taught me these principles 30, 40, 50 years ago. If I would have known then, what I know now, how different things would have been for my family. if I could just let you know about all those people who converses with me and talk with me about the things they have learned just recently wishing that they had known them years ago and there are so many families in our church who have the opportunity to come and to learn and to listen to the word of God but don't even make an effort to come to hear what God says about his hope for their home and they continue to struggle.

They struggle financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. They struggle all kinds of ways, and yet God has answers for them. And so we began by talking about God's hope for your home, helping you understand that the only hope you have is in God alone. That's it. There is no hope with your psychologist or your pediatrician. Your hope is in God alone, and he's got the answer for you. And then we move from there to God's exam for engagement. And then God's meaning for marriage, God's value on vows, God's counsel for couples, God's hallmarks for husbands, God's wisdom for wives, God's priority for parents, and God's charge to children.

Now tonight, God's instruction for in-laws. And we're going to look at it in two areas. Number one, toward your children.

And number two, toward your grand children. God has guidelines for grandparents, just like he has instructions for in-laws. God has a word for everyone, and God is very clear about what he wants you to do as you seek to be the kind of man or woman that God wants you to be. You know, if you're here tonight and God has given you a great mother-in-law, a great father-in-law, you are a blessed person, very blessed person. I count myself very blessed. to have a mother-in-law and father-in-law that trust me, that believe in me, and that I am very good friends with, and we have a great relationship.

That's a good thing, and I praise the Lord for that. I praise the Lord that my wife has a good relationship with my mother and father. You know, it would be a bad thing if she didn't. It wouldn't go so well. And to be honest with you, when we first got married, it didn't go so well.

It took some time. And my parents went overboard to work on that relationship. My parents did all they could to build their relationship with my wife. Many of you know that I was married before. My first wife died, and my mom had a unique relationship with my previous wife.

But they made an effort, a strategic effort, to build into Lori's life. And that has helped our marriage. That has helped our relationship with then. That has helped my parents' relationship with their grandchildren. It all comes together. Because when you get married, you're married to a family, right? You just don't marry that one person and say, well, they're mine and I'm going to steal her from your family and it's just going to be her and me for the rest of our lives together. No, no, no, no.

You've married into a family. And while, yes, you do leave and, yes, you do cleave and, yes, you are independent from your mother and father, from your father-law and mother-in-law, you have married into a family. And your wife and your husband have developed certain techniques and certain mannerisms that they learn. while growing up in their family. It's a part of their life. And so all that becomes very important as you understand your responsibility toward your family. For most people, they don't have a good relationship with their mother-in-law or their father-in-law.

Christmas is a tough time. Thanksgiving is a tough time. In fact, it's almost like you don't want to go home for the holidays. Because everything at home is just going to be bad. You become the turkey, everybody slices up at Thanksgiving. And yet, God wants to look through all those things. And tonight, hopefully, we can give you some guidelines toward moving as Christ would want you to move. God's instructions for in-laws. Number one, toward their children.

I want to give you, I think there's six of them. Isn't there six? One, two, three, four. Yeah, six under each one. I have to go back and check my notes. Number one is this.

as a father-in-law, as a mother-in-law, you are to pray and you are not to pry into the affairs of your children. You are to pray, not to pry. When your children leave the nest and they sprout wings and begin to fly, it is a responsibility now more so than ever to pray for them. Pray for their husband, pray for their wife, pray for their children. But your job is to pray. You see, you're going to get a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law that's not going to do it like you did it. And you're going to want them to do it just like you did it, but they're not going to want to do it like you did it.

They want to develop their own traditions. They want to develop their own ways. And your job is not to pry into their affairs and try to change what it is they're doing. Listen, as a parent, you had about 20 years to do all that. It's over now.

And now your responsibility, having prayed for them up to that point, is to continue to pray for them. The Bible says that 1st, Apostolians 517, that we were to pray without ceasing.

James 516 says that the effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. Your job is to seek righteousness. Your job is to be the kind of man or woman God wants you to be in order that your prayers might be effective. This is the point number two.

Counsel, don't condemn. You know the story. Over in Exodus Chapter 18, if you have your Bible, I would invite you to turn there with me, if you would for a moment. Exodus chapter 18, where Moses has a father-in-law named Jethro. And Jethro is one who can really add wisdom to Moses' ministry. Exodus 18, verse number 17, in Moses' father-in-law said to him, the thing you are doing is not good. You will surely wear out, both yourself and these people who are with you, for the task is too heavy for you.

You cannot do it alone. Now listen to me, and I shall give you counsel. And God be with you. You be the people's representative before God, and you bring the disputes to God. Then teach them the statutes and the laws, and make known to them the way, in which they are to walk and the work they are to do. Furthermore, you shall select out of all the people, able men who fear God, men of truth, those who hate dishonest gain. And you shall place these over them as leaders of thousands, of hundreds, of 50s, and tens, and let them judge the people at all times, and let it be that every major dispute they will bring to you, but every minor dispute they themselves will judge.

So it will be easier for you, and they will bear the burden with you. If you do this thing, and God so commands you, then you will be able to endure and all these people also will go to their places in peace. So Moses listened to his father-in-law and did all that he had said. Moses was the greatest leader in the history of Israel. Yet he wasn't too proud to accept counsel from his father-in-law. So you pray, don't pry, you counsel, you don't condemn. And thirdly, you minister, but you don't manipulate.

You minister, but you don't manipulate. For this, the story is, of course, Genesis chapter 29. The whole Laban, Rachel, Jacob, Leah scenario. Laban was a master manipulator. And he used and abused Jacob for 20 years. And it all began when Jacob had eyes. for Rachel. That's the one he wanted. Not Leah, but Rachel. And Laban said, he said, I'll work seven years for Rachel. Laban said, fine. Work. He worked for seven years. It was all said and done. And for those seven years, you can imagine what must have been going through this man's mind.

How beautiful Rachel was. How great it would be to have her beside him every night when he went to bed. And lo and behold, that great wedding night came and Laban manipulated the events of that wedding and Jacob woke up the next day not with Rachel but with Leah and he was one upset individual and if you've been with us in our study of Genesis you know the story he says I'll work another seven years for Rachel and he did he worked 14 years but Laban had him right where he wanted him I love what Laban said when Jacob said What is this you have done to me?

Was it not for Rachel that I served with you? Why then have you deceived me? The Laban said it is not the practice in our place to marry off the younger before the first board.

See, what you did, Jacob, was out of order. But what we do around here, we do it in proper order. And therefore, you get the first board.

that's Leah. Boy, he had him right where he wanted him. He had it for 14 years. And then for another six after that, and the flocks of Laban prospered greatly because of Jacob. But it was one manipulative technique after another that Laban would use. Number four. Release. Don't restrain. Release. don't restrain. You know, a lot of people are married and by growing up they have parents that are dominators. They like to dominate everything that happens in a family. And what's just as bad as domination is overprotection.

And sometimes we don't want to release the strings. We don't want to cut the strings. We want to hold all with dear life all that we have maybe it's our last one maybe it's it's our baby and we don't want to to let them go and yet the Bible says for this cause it's not good for man to be alone so for this cause a man should leave and a man should cleave very important number five support don't supplant support support don't supplant your son or your son-in-law is designed by God to be the provider for his family and your job as a father or a father-in-law a mother or a mother-in-law is not to supplant his role by being the provider of his family.

So much more like to say about that, but time does not permit me. Lastly, help, don't hinder. Help, but don't hinder. Again, I take you back to the Laban-Jacob story in Genesis chapter 31, when Laban pursued Jacob vehemently and finally caught up to him.

and he was laban was upset and accused jacob of stealing his daughters of stealing his gods and everything and finally jacob said he became angry verse number 36 and contended with laban and jacob answered said laban what is my transgression what is my sin that that you have hotly pursued me though you have felt through all my goods what have you found of all your household goods see in here before my kinsmen and your kinsmen that they may decide between us to two.

These 20 years I have been with you. Your youths and your female goats have not miscarried. No have I eaten the rams of your flocks. That which was torn of beasts I did not bring to you. I bore the loss of it myself. You required it of my hand, would have stolen by day or stolen by night. Thus I was by day, the heat consumed me. And the frost by night, my sleep fled from my eyes. These 20 years, I have been in your house. I have served you 14 years for your two daughters. and six years for your flock, and you change my wages ten times.

Good for you, Jacob. It's about time you stood up. Laban, listen, don't try to hinder God's call upon my life. Listen, as a father-law, mother-law, you should look for ways to help your son or daughter. Look for ways to be of assistance to them. But don't ever hinder God's movement in their lives. main point number two towards your grandchildren it will quickly go through this because time is fleeing quickly uphold don't usurp you did uphold their teaching over in proverbs chapter four it's very clear when Solomon says these words hear a son the instruction of a father and give attention to that you may gain understanding for I give you sound teaching Do not abandon my instruction When I was a son to my father, tender And the only son and the thought of my mother Then he taught me and said to me, Let your heart hold fast my words, keep my commandments And live, acquire wisdom, acquire understanding, Do not forget nor turn away from the words of my mouth.

Do not forsake her and she will guard you love her And she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is acquire wisdom. And with all your acquiring, get understanding, prize her And she will exalt you. She will honor you if you embrace her. She will place on your head a garden of grace. She will present you with a crown of beauty. Number two, intercede, don't interfere.

Intercede, don't interfere. Again, your job as a grandparent is to pray, to pray vehemently. You should pray for your grandchildren by name. Name them all. Don't want them all together. Next, ask, don't assume. Ask, don't. assume. Don't assume that your children want you to spank their children. Ask before you do it. Don't assume that your grandchild needs an haircut because you think it's hair too long. Ask. Maybe your son-in-law or don't-in-law likes his hair that way. Fifth, offer, but don't obstruct.

Offer to help. Offer assistance. But never obstruct the growth of your grandchildren. I wish I had some time to spend on this. In Matthew 18, it speaks so clearly to the fact that we are to be very careful on becoming stumbling blocks to people, to little children, to little ones in the kingdom. And you know what? Even as grandparents, just like parents can be, we can become stumbling blocks to our grandchildren. We can become stumbling blocks just by showing favoritism to one grandchild over another, causing another grandchild to stumble, to fall.

We can become a stumbling block when we refuse to set a righteous example in front of our grandchildren. We can become a stumbling block by failing to, to lead our grandchildren into righteousness. We can become a stumbling block when we begin to teach them things that aren't really biblically accurate. We can become a stumbling block when we tempt them to sin by saying, that's okay. Mommy will understand. Daddy will understand. When they know, when the grandchild knows that mommy and daddy don't want them to do that, by tempting them to disobey, their mother and father you caused the little one to sin and in christ's in matthew 18 woe to you woe to you if you cause one of these little ones for you it would be better for you that a millstone were hung it on your neck and you were cast into the depths of the sea than to cause one of my little ones to stumble confront don't concede confront don't concede you know as grandparents you're going to see things that your your children do with their their kids that you don't agree with and that's that's okay and you need to confront your children on their sin.

Never stop confronting sin, especially as a grandparent. You've been down the road, you know the road, you've been there before, you know what's ahead way before they do, and if you see your children or grandchildren involved in sin, don't concede to that sin, don't compromise, but instead confront. And Matthew 18, verses 15 in the following, speak of the fact that we need to confront those who are in error because we are concerned about their purity and their holiness. And lastly, love, but don't legislate.

Love, but don't legislate. Love your children, love your grandchildren, but don't try to legislate righteousness in their lives. as Christ would love sacrificeually, willingly, beneficially, totally, with all that he had. So you too should love. Better love have no man than this than a man lead down his life for his friends. In John 1334, Christ says, a new commandment I give to you.

That you love one another. Here's the new commandment, as I have loved you. Listen, no longer is loving one another as you love yourself good enough. That's the new commandment. Love one another as I have loved you. That's how God wants you to love. And what better example, what better model do your children and grandchildren you see that someone who sacrificial gives their life away for their benefit, right?