God's Counsel for Couples, Part 9

Tonight, as we continue our study in God's Council for Couples, let me review for you where we have been in this study.

It's 10 weeks long, God's Counsel for Couples. This is number nine. Next week is number 10. Ten follows nine. Last I checked. We began by looking at the fact that you need to acknowledge God as a divine priority. That's number one.

It has to be number one. If you miss that, then you miss everything else. If God is not the number one priority of your life, And all that you say and all that you do, to love him with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, that everything else is not going to take place.

But tonight, as we come together and look at another element of our marriages and how we counsel couples to understand what God has called them to do, we come to the next letter in the alphabet, that's the letter I, and that is we are to inspire communication through mutual vulnerability and receptivity.

inspire communication. That's a big word, communication. Most husbands and wives would score very low on a scale of 1 to 10 on how well they communicate with one another. Most wives will probably tell you that my husband doesn't say anything. And when he does say something, he probably shouldn't say anything at that time either. Because usually when he opens his mouth, he does it just to switch feet anyway, so that's not the best thing for him to do. If you ask the husbands, a lot of them would say my wife just communicates all the time.

She communicates with a pot and pans. She communicates with the kids. She communicates with the dogs and the cats. She communicates anything she can talk to because I refuse to listen to her anymore. But for communication to happen in your marriage, both of you must be able to interact one with another. To do that, there must be vulnerability on your part, on their part, in order to be, or for there to be, receptivity on both of your parts. Experts tell us that when you want to get your message across to someone else, there is often a lot of misunderstanding that occurs.

Communication specialists tell us that six messages can come through at any given conversation. the six, what you intended to say, what you think you are saying, and what you actually say, what the other person hears, what the other person thinks he hears, and what the other person thinks about what he thinks he or she hears. Now think about that for a moment. There are a lot of things that you say that the other one that you're talking to just never really gets it. It could be because of the way you said it.

It could be because of what they think about what you said or it could be about all kinds of things. But communication on the spiritual level, communication in your home can be a very valuable aspect to your marriage. And so we want to talk a little bit about that this evening to help you understand some of the principles as outlined in the Bible, most people would say that communication is very hard work. That's not necessarily true. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. And so as we look at the Word of God this evening, we want to give you just six words, six simple words.

And yes, they all begin with the same letter, just in case you wondered, but six words that will help you understand the elements in your communication. Where you begin, where you're going, what you should be doing, in order to be able to transmit messages one to another, where both of you begin to understand. It begins with a commitment, that's your first word.

A commitment. Termit in your Bible, the Ephesians chapter 4. Ephesians chapter 4 verse number 29 is what you need to be committed to. Ephesians 429 is the most difficult verse in the Bible to apply to your life. It's the most difficult because we speak so often, and most of the words that we use are not very good words. Listen to what Paul says in Ephesians 4 verse number 29, let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth. Stop right there for a moment. Now, for most of us, that's 95% of our conversation.

For others, it's 100% of our conversation. But the Bible says, let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth.

The word unwholesome means rotten. Now, that's a good word. Because think of a rotten apple or a rotten pear or a rotten banana. You ever peel a rotten banana? Kind of like oozes out as you try to peel it down. And, you know, it doesn't taste very good, does it? rotten apples don't taste good, rotten pears don't taste good, anything rotten tastes terrible. You wouldn't want to eat anything rotten, you don't want to speak anything that's going to be rotten to those who hear it. A good word is worthless.

Let no worthless communication proceed from your mouth. We'll talk about how you do that in a moment, but useless. speech, rotten speech, worthless speech, is something that's not supposed to proceed from your mouth. Whether it's off-color jokes, profanity, crude speech, none of those things should be characterized by the Christian. In fact, we should be, as a psalmist said in Psalm 141 verse number three, set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth, and keep the door of my lips.

Now, here's a good rule of thumb. When you're beginning to communicate with your wife about anything at all, you need to recite Psalm 141, verse number three, about four or five times to yourself.

And say, Lord, I need you to set a watch before my mouth and to keep the door of my lips. You need God to control your language. in whenever you have the opportunity to speak. Colossians 3 says that we are to put off angered, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. We're to put those things off. We're to take them off. Get rid of them. Disgarde them. Paul would say later in Ephesians 5, verse number 3, do not let immorality or any impurity or greed even be named among you as is proper among the saints.

and there must be no filthiness and silly talk or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather of giving thanks. No coarse jesting, no silly talk, no worthless words, no rotten words. Paul sums up by saying, let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth. And they says, but only such a word as is good fredification. according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear. What leads to word number two.

You first of all have to make that commitment. That's a big commitment for some of you to make, but you need to do it. And then number two, there's a command.

Okay? There's a command you need to follow. There's a commitment you need to make, and there's a command you need to follow. it's in the very next verse. It says this, And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you are sealed for the day of redemption. Here's the command. Don't sadden the spirit of God. Don't grieve God's spirit. Don't cause the Spirit of God to become sad, to become grieved. The Holy Spirit is grieved when your speech is unwholesome. But this is very important because you need to understand what Paul doesn't say.

He says, now when you speak, don't grieve the one you're speaking to. Do you know why he didn't say that? Because the one you're speaking to is secondary. The Spirit of God is primary. When you use words that are sinful words that are contrary to what the word of God says, you're going to hurt those who hear you.

But that's not the primary emphasis here. The primary emphasis is goes way beyond that. There's a deeper problem here. You are grieving the Spirit of God. You have been sealed until the Day of Redemption. The Spirit of God has indwelt your life. He now resides within you to strengthen you to an able. you and when you use words that are contrary to his character you grieve him he is saddened and God says through the pen of the Apostle Paul listen when you use that wholesome words you sin primarily against God and that's what we need to understand remember we told you way back and to take the meaning of marriage the very first thing we told you is that your marriage is what a picture of Christ to a lost world and his relationship to the church so if that's the case if you understand that concept that your marriage first and foremost is a picture of Christ's relationship to the church you can be tenderhearted forgiving toward your spouse even as God for Christ's sake was that way towards you because you want a picture to your spouse God.

You want to show them God as accurately as possible. You want the world to be able to see God in your marriage. So you do the things that God did in your marriage. There's a command. Don't grieve the spirit of God. Get rid of the bitterness, the wrath, the malice, the evil aspect of your words give it of all those things slandering and then do what God did be kind and tender-hearted forgiving one another number one there's a commitment that you have to make commitment is not to let any unwholesome word come out of my mouth two there's a command you need to follow a command that says don't agree the spirit of God don't do that instead submit to the spirit of God follow him and be that Christ-like example in your home listen if your husband or your wife is not a Christ-like example that's okay you be the Christ-like example don't wait for them to do it you be it you lead the way when it comes to exemplifying the character of God in your relationship.

Number three, third word, is considerations. Number one, there's a commitment you need to make. Number two, a command to follow, number three, some considerations you need to observe.

The Bible says in Matthew 12 versus 36 and 33, excuse me, yeah, 36 and 37, that every idle word, every useless word, every careless word that we utter, we will be accountable for on the day of judgment.

So Christ says, by your words, you shall be judged, and by your words, ye shall be condemned. Meaning to say this, that your words, that your really indicate the spiritual condition of your life. James said this way in James 1.26, if any of you think himself to be religious, and yet bridal if not his tongue, he deceives his own heart. And that man's religion is worthless. He says very clearly, if any of you think that you're a Christian, a believer, and yet you're unable to bridle the tongue, control your words, you have deceived yourself.

And in that deception you have proven that your religion is a false religion. The bottom line is, if you're a new man, if you're a new creation, the very first place that creation that is new will evidence itself is in your speech.

in your words. So important. So there are some considerations you need to look at. The Bible says that life and death are in the power of the tongue.

Parvarez 1821. Let me give you a few considerations. When you communicate with your spouse, you need to be a ready listener. A ready listener. Most of us are lousy listeners. But the Bible says these words in Proverbs 1813, He gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him.

The Bible says, if you're willing to give an answer before you hear the whole story, that's a shame to you.

That's folly. It's foolish. But how many times do we, in the course of our conversation are really not listening to what our spouse says because we already have a preconceived answer in our mind because we have something we want to get across. For most of us, we're not ready listeners. We're ready talkers, but not ready listeners. It's a good thing in the course of your conversation to let your spouse speak until they are completely finished and don't say anything until they're done. Most of us can't do that.

Most of us have to jad, have to add our two cents, have to give what we think is the right answer. Be a read listener. Don't give an answer before you hear it. Another consideration which goes right along with that is you need to be slow to speak. Slow to speak. I know a lot of you have some good things to say. And I know a lot of you want to make sure that we hear the good things you have to say. But the Bible says you need to be slow to speak.

The Bible says over in Proverbs chapter 10, these words, verse number 19, when there are many words transgression is unavoidable but he who restrains his lips is wise that's so good when you speak a lot guess what transgression is unavoidable sin's going to happen so don't say anything just be quiet that's what the wise person does and give everything over to the Lord God let him do the work in the life of your spouse.

Stop nagging. Start praying. And watch and see what God does. Let me give you number four. This could be hard for some of you. But it's imperative to your communication. It's this. The word is confrontation. The word is confrontation. Some of you have never confronted your spouse on anything. I hear words like, oh, I can never say that to him. Oh, he'd be so hurt. Oh, he'd be devastated. And when I hear words like that, do you know what that tells me? The communication in that relationship is absent.

Listen, if your spouse is doing something that's wrong or sinful that needs to be corrected and you don't confront them on it, you don't have a good marriage. You have a bad marriage because you're afraid to confront. You're afraid to do what the Bible says you need to do.

In fact, you avoid doing what the Bible says you need to do. And we use excuses like, well, you know, Oh, no, be so devastated. They won't be able to handle it. Really? How do you know? Well, I just know they won't be able to handle it. Well, have you tried? No. Well, how do you know? They're not going to be able to handle it. Well, I just know their personality. They can't handle it. No, no, no. You can't handle it. You're the problem, not them. Confrontation in your marriage is so important. Listen to what the Bible says in Proverbs 27, verse number 5.

Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. The Bible goes on to say, down in same chapter, verse number 17, these words, iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. In your marriage, you need to be able to go to your spouse and give them what the Bible says about their situation and talk to them about it.

And if they are in error, you are in bigger error if you don't confront the sin. That is so important. you go to them lovingly in humility prayed up to date the Bible fact over Matthew chapter 7 speaks of it very well do not judge let you be judged for the way you judge you will be judged for by your standard of measure it will be measured to you and why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye but do not notice the log that is in your own eye or how can you say to your brother let me take the speck out of your eye and behold the log is in your own own eye.

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Christ that is dealing with the Pharisees, helping us to understand that self-righteousness keeps us from being what God wants us to be. And while we look at someone else's sin, which in all reality is a speck as it relates to the log that is in our own eye, we need to deal with our own sin.

So make sure that you've dealt with your own sin and that you have prayed at the date and you go to your brother you go to your husband you go to your your wife and say honey I need to talk to you about something it's been on my heart for many months been on my heart for many years this thing needs to be addressed there are many wives who know their husbands are into pornography on the internet and they do nothing about it they won't deal with the issue they won't confront the issue and they need to.

God has given you as the helpmate to that man. And therefore, the helpmate's responsibility is to go and to confront that individual on his sin. Maybe your husband has a drinking problem. Maybe your wife has a speech problem. That is, she talks too much, and you need to go to her and say, honey, you know what, I think it's time for you to stop nagging and stop being hasty with your words. I think you need to be a little bit more quiet, my dear, and talk to her about those things. The next word I want to give you, and time is fleeing, is concession.

Concession. The Bible says these words over in Romans chapter 12. Romans chapter 12, verse number 9, let love be without hypocrisy. A poor, what is evil, cling to what is good. be devoted to one another and brotherly love give preference to one another in honor in other words prefer the other one concede to the other one you don't always have to be the top dog you don't always have to say the right thing you don't have to usually say anything but prefer the other one give the other one honor honor your spouse by allowing them to speak honor your spouse by allowing them to voice their opinion honor your spouse by allowing them to a voice to voice their criticism I love what my wife comes to me she says honey can't talk to you about something and whenever she says that I know it's going to be negative so deep breath to say sure babe go to go ahead what do you got and the biggest critic of my sermons is my wife She can really rip them up, boy, I'd say, man.

She'll sit there, she'll take nuts. She'll come on, see, honey, can't give you a suggestion? Sure, babe. What do you got? And just this real sweet way, she'd say, you know, maybe you could say it this way instead of that way. My initial response is, what do you know? You don't look at those people every week like I do.

How do you know what to say? I need to listen to what my wife says. Hear what she says. Is she ever going to be a preacher? No. Is she my help me? Yep. Did God give it to me? Yep. Why? Oh, for such a time as this. So I need to listen to what she says. The last word, before we have to quit, is compassion. Compassion, Colossian chapter 3 One of my favorite passages in scriptures Colossians 3, verse number 12, and following, because it was given to me by my father-in-law, the day Lord and I were married.

It says, and so as you have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Put it on. This is what you need to clothe yourself with. This is what's going to make your marriage vibrant, put on a heart of compassion, put on a heart that feels the need of the other one. And when you feel the need of the other one, be kind. Be kind, not harsh. Same word you used of Christ when it says, my yoke is easy. My yoke is not harsh. My yoke is kind, and it was this kindness that led us to repentance.

and when you put on a heart of compassion, not only do you respond kindly, but you respond in humility. And not only do you respond in humility, you respond in gentleness. And this word, gentleness is a unique word because it's a word that means you're willing to suffer injury instead of inflicting injury. That's a good word. You're going to be gentle. A heart of compassion says I will allow you to inflict me with a problem rather than allowing myself to injure you with my words or my actions. That's the gentle spirit.

I told you before I wear a chain around my neck. My wife gave me the night we are married as a reminder of this verse that love, as the Phillips translation says, is the golden chain of all the virtues. Be to love one another by showing compassion. May God give us a strength that communicate in a way that glorifies his name. Let's pray together.