God's Counsel for Couples, Part 4

On a scale of 1 to 10, don't have the answer this out loud, how well do you think you know your spouse? Better yet, on a scale of 1 to 10, what would your spouse say about how well? You know them. Most of us would have to admit that if push came to shove, we don't know that much about the one we live with. Oh, we know more than we did yesterday, probably, more than when we got married, but for the most part, we don't necessarily know as much as we think we know. A lot of us tend to think that if we have a good sex life, then we have intimacy in our marriage.

The problem with that is that sex is a byproduct of intimacy. Sex never gives intimacy. If you don't understand that, then each spouse becomes a sex object, and there will be no intimacy in the marriage. As we recall back in Genesis chapter 2, the Lord said this in verse number 24, For this cause, the man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. How one are you with your husband or with your wife? Let me ask you this question.

You have the same bank account, or do you have two bank accounts, one in your name and one in their name? Same bedroom, different bedroom. Do you have his and hers kind of things? This is mine, can't touch it. This is hers. Or is everything yours that's hers and everything yours that's his? Are you one, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, socially, Or are you just two people living in the same roof trying to get along with each other? For most people, that's what marriage is. They have two people who come together and hopefully they can get along together long enough to stay together until the kids are grown or do they die, one of the two.

Some of us here tonight would like to hide some things from our spouse. There's not total transparency. And the reason we're hiding them is because we're leading an impure life. And therefore, if exposed, my impurities are exposed. They are revealed. And I will be ashamed. Tonight, I want to talk about deepening marital intimacy. As I talk about it, though, realize that unless you acknowledge God as a divine priority, and build towards spiritual maturity and thus commit to personal integrity you'll never deepen marital intimacy because the intimacy you have with your spouse is a direct correlation of your walk with Jesus Christ himself.

That needs to be understood. So if you're walking with the Lord, that's where it begins, right? We need to understand that. So tonight, what I want to do is look at the different needs that we have and how we are to meet them for our spouse as we say, my needs are not the priority.

but the glory of God is the priority doing the will of my father in heaven in order that I might reach out and touch the need of my spouse. With me so far? Good. Number one, the social need in the marital relationship.

Now, this is not going to be what you think it's going to be. The social need. It's not about partying. It's not about going out and having a good time. It's about the social aspect of your marriage. Why? Turn in your Bible to Acts chapter 2 for a moment. Acts chapter 2, it says, this in verse number 43 or 42 and they were continually devoting themselves to the apostles teaching and to fellowship to the breaking of bread into prayer and everyone kept feeling a sense of all and many wonders and science were taking place through the apostles and all those who had believed were together and had all things in common and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all as anyone might have a need and day by day continuing with one mind in the temple and breaking bread from house to house they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people, and the Lord was letting to their number day by day those who were being saved.

This was an incredible time. The reason I say all this is because God has gifted you as a believer, and because God has gifted you, he wants you to exercise your giftedness in the church. And as you exercise that gift in the church alongside your spouse exercising their giftedness in the church, What you do is begin to meet the social needs of one another because it's supposed to be met in the confines of the church, in the confines of the body of Christ. Marital intimacy begins with a worshipful heart.

It says over in Psalm 27, verse number four, these words, One thing I have asked in the Lord that I shall seek, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in his temple. That's a great verse. But marital intimacy begins with a worshipful heart. And when my dad wrote this verse in my very first Bible, his prayer for me is that the house of God would be the place that I would long to dwell all the days of my life.

This prayer was answered. His prayer was answered. And when you look at your spouse, you've got to look at them and say, this is the house of God.

These are the people of God. This is the social structure in which we live out our spiritual existence with those of like precious faith. It's very important. People in the church need to see successful marriages. People in the church need to see husbands and wives who love one another. Kids in Sunday school classes need to see Sunday school teachers who have a marriage that honors and glorifies the Lord Jesus Christ. They need to see those kinds of things. It's important. Point number two, emotional needs.

This is great. term in your Bible to the song of Solomon. Discern her deep-seated concerns, her fears, and help her work through them in the safety and the security of your arms and in your home. Why? Because your wife is an emotional being. So are you. So you need to understand your wife that you might meet the emotional needs that she has. It says over in 1st Peter chapter 3, verse number 6, or verse number 3, these words, as Peter speaks to the women, And let not your adornment be merely external, braiding the hair, and wearing gold, jewelry, or putting on dresses, but let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the side of God.

For this way, in former times, the holy women also who hoped in God used to adorn themselves being submissive to their own husbands. Sarah learned to submit to her husband. Sarah learned to respect Abraham. And if you've been with us on Sunday mornings in our study of the book of Genesis, you know what Sarah had to go through, to learn to respect Abraham, but she did. She had to learn to become attentive to his needs to know how he was put together. She learned and God honored her and God blessed her.

All that to say this, every man, every woman has emotional needs. And God has designed you as that spouse to meet that need. Listen to what is said in Song of Solomon chapter 4. Verse number one, how beautiful you are, my darling.

How beautiful you are. When's the last time you told your wife how beautiful she was? Oh, babe, you are so beautiful. This means, man was said on meeting the emotional needs of his bride. I don't know how many people I've talked to whose wife has said to me, you know, he never mentions anything about the way I am, the way I look, the way I cook, the way I dress, anything. He never says anything. He never compliments me. I wonder if he even cares. I wonder sometimes if he even notices. You ought to make it your ambition men to understand your wife in such a way that everything about it is beautiful.

and seek to point out at least one of those each and every day, that she might know that you notice because you want to meet the emotional needs that she has.

But ladies, over in chapter 5, verse number 8, I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved as to what you will tell him, for I am lovesick. Oh, man, she was lovesick for her man. Verse number 10, my beloved is dazzling and ruddy. Outstanding among 10,000. Man, she was said on describing her husband as one magnificent man to the daughters of Jerusalem. Ladies, how do you describe your husband to other people? Most women speak negatively of their husband. I have a hard time when people do that.

They should be building them up, accentuating those great qualities in their lives. Does your husband, does your wife? Do they have faults? Yep. Are they sinners? Oh, you bet. But God has designed you to meet those needs that they have. have to make you one flesh to make each of you complete and you need to be looking and accentuating those things about them that make them what they are now granted this is just the the physical aspect as song of solomon as bride begin to describe one another but you know what emotionally emotionally they were tied in to one another they knew each other how about you how do you describe your husband or your wife to them how do you describe them to people on the outside very important number three we must hurry i want to make sure i finish my point points tonight.

Verbly, there's a way that we can meet the deepest marital needs that we have and develop intimacy in our marriage. The words you use are so important. Proverbs 1821 says that life and death are in the power of the tongue. Whatever has potential for good, for life has equal, but opposite potential for death. We can use our words to destroy, can't we? To cut to the quick. Gotta be careful about that. So the Bible has a lot to say about your words. In fact, this is the you ought to use the verse you ought to quote before you say anything to your spouse.

Before you say anything to your children, Ephesies 4. Verse number 29, let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment that it may give grace to those who hear. If you want to deepen marital intimacy, you need to use your words to bring grace to those who hear. You need to be able to use your words to speak wholesome things, not unwholesome things. The Bible says this in the book of Proverbs.

Proverbs chapter 12, verse number 18, there is one who speaks rashly like the thrust of a sword, where the tongue of the wise brings healing. The words you use bring healing to your marriage, or do they drive a wedge in your marriage? Verse number 14, a man will be satisfied with good by the fruit of his words. We need to realize that our words can do one or two things. Build or destroy. And you've got to ask yourself today, when I spoke to my wife, when I spoke to my husband, did I build them? That I instill courage in them?

Because my words were encouraging words. That I ripped them apart. If you want to deepen marital intimacy, you need to be open. You need to be honest, you be truthful. I can use my words, just one word, and devastate my wife. Totally devastated. I know that. I know that. Or I can use my words to totally lift her up and put her where she needs to be as the most honorable one of my life. I wish I could stand before you tonight and say, I always use the right words, but I don't. I wish I could say to you that all the words that on my mouth are wholesome words, not unwholesome words, but I can't say that.

So what do I have to do? I have to ask for forgiveness. I have to ask for forgiveness for the words that I've used to harm, to hurt, to hinder in any way, and promised never to say them again in order that I might build up my wife. How do you use your words in the life of your spouse? Number four, intellectually, socially, verbally, emotionally, and now intellectually. If you and your wife are going to be intimate, you must grow in wisdom. You must grow in wisdom. The Bible says over in the book of Ecclesiastes, the 12th chapter.

First number 11, the words of the wise men are like goads and masters of these collections are like well-driven nails.

They are given by one shepherd. But beyond this, my son, be warned, the writing of many books is endless and excessive devotion to books is wearying to the body. The conclusion, when all has been heard is fear God and keep his commandments, because this applies to every person. for God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether it is good or evil. Solomon knew that the writing of many books is wearisome. We have a lot of books, don't we? You can go to a library, go to a bookstore, and everybody puts a new book out every week.

About something, and we can read a lot of books. But in order to build and deepen marital intimacy, intellectually, it's not about how much you know. It's about how wise you are. And that applies to how you put into action what it is you say, you know. You can say, I know all of the verses in the Bible, about what it means to love my wife, but not love your wife, because your actions demonstrate something completely different, right? She knows it. Your children know it. Job 28, verse number 28, the fear of the Lord is wisdom, and to depart from evil is understanding.

The fear of the Lord is wisdom and to depart from evil is understanding. So part of the intellectual intimacy of the marriage is learning what it means to depart from evil as a couple. That's wisdom. That's growing in your understanding and knowing of God. The book of Proverbs is that book. The Book of Proverbs is a book that helps you understand how to handle life's problems with skill. It teaches you about your marriage. It teaches you about child rearing. It teaches you about your anger. It teaches about your words.

It teaches you about wisdom. It teaches about knowledge and understanding. and instruction. The book of Proverbs is a book that needs to be mastered by every man in the room. If you're going to teach your son what it means to be wise, your children what it means to be wise, the intellectual aspect of your marriage comes as you and your wife begin to grow in wisdom and in the knowledge of God, in the fear of God. So you're on the same page spiritually. That's growing together in intimacy. And you know what God says about how you need to live your life, and you begin to put that into practice.

Number five. Physically. Not sexually. Physically. Song of Solomon chapter 2 contains a brief summary of the wedding night of Solomon and his bride. The whole book is about Solomon and his bride, and it goes on later in the book to discuss in more detail the experiences they had as a marriage. married couple. But here it's approached from the wife's point of view, and it helps you understand some of the physical aspects of that relationship and how the wife feels security because of what the husband is doing.

Listen, as I read, Song of Solomon chapter 2, verse number four, he has brought me to his banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. Sustain me with raisin cakes, refresh me with apples, because I am lovesick. Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me. Now, just those few short verses helps us understand how Solomon would deal with his wife physically. When was the last time your wife said, I feel so refreshed in your presence? I feel so strong when I'm with you. I'm with you.

I'm Oh, man, those words right there could keep you going for months, man, for months. For your wife to feel the security of your love for her. That you're out to meet all of her needs and to care for her. And that she is taken in under the banner of your love and feels the protection that you give her. That's so important. And I know I spent a lot of time talking about the man, And his responsibility, that's because that is one. You know what I'm saying? What can I say? And so, and the man is to be the leader in the home.

And so therefore, if we begin to lead properly, she'll respond properly. I've always asked myself this question. If my wife is having a problem with my leadership, it's probably my fault. I'm probably doing something wrong. I'm probably not focused in on where she is. I'm probably not treating her as the most prized possession that I have, and therefore I need to go back and retrace my steps and try to figure out where I went off kilter and ask God to show me where I'm wrong and that I might do the right thing.

That doesn't mean that every time that's the case, but you know what, 99 times out of 100 it is. God has designed the man to lead and the woman to respond to that leadership. Here she responds in a very positive way. Point number six, sexually, we've got to be. to get to this. You know, you can get it in school, but the best place to get it to church, because you get what the Bible says.

The Bible said in Hebrews 13, verse number four, that the marriage bed is honorable. And marriage is, or marriage is honorable before all men, and the marriage bed is undefiled. But fornicators and adulter is God will judge. The marriage bed is a very sacred place. And Paul would say over in 1st, 15th, that the wife's body is no longer her own. What? Well, not just become one flesh, okay? The wife's body now becomes the man's, and the man's body now becomes the wife's. And Paul goes on a saying in first 157 that you're not to deprive one another sexually, unless it be for a short time, and only, and only for prayer, right?

For prayer, he says, unless Satan somehow gets an inroad into your marriage, into your life. And so you need to come to grips with that, right? and to understand how God has designed the wife to meet the needs of the husband and the husband to meet the needs of the wife in those categories. In that aspect of the marriage is very important. And Solomon would say it very well on chapter 7 as he goes on and speaks once again of the admiration of his bright. How beautiful are your feet in sandals, oh princess daughter.

You ever told your wife she had beautiful feet? And this man, he even loved the woman's toes, man. He was so enrageted with this woman. It was all about what she was and what he wanted to do for her. And you can go on and read through our song of Solomon chapter 7, verses 1 to 13, to describe the intimacy that these two had sexually in their relationship. So, so important. When Paul says that the marriage bed is undefiled, it means that sexual relationships are pure in the confines of marriage. There's nothing impure about sex in marriage.

God designed it that way. God wanted it to be that way. And he wanted that to be understood. So that marriage bed is undefiled. And so when you are together and you experience sexual intimacy, you are to focus on what you can give and not what you can get. And if you focus that way, you will see great things happen in your marriage. sexually. That's very important. God knows how important it is. And lastly, spiritual intimacy. Spiritual intimacy. It says over in Ephesians chapter 5, verses that we know very well.

But what he says specifically is very important in verse number 25, husbands love your wives, just as Christ also love the church and gave himself up for her that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church and all her glory having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and blameless. Listen to what I'm going to say. If you love someone, their purity is your goal. Their purity is your goal.

And men, you don't want anything for your wife that will cause her to become impure. You want her to be pure, holy, unblemished. Nothing but her holiness, her virtue, her righteousness that you are concerned about. You'll never put her in a compromising situation. You can never induce an argument with her. You would never expose her to anything that would cause her to fall away from the Lord. You would never indulge her into anything that would bring impurity into her life because love seeks to purify.

If you love your wife, you seek to purify your wife. Why? Because you want your wife clean, clean. You're the person responsible for that. And for the wife, it says over in 1st Peter, chapter 3, these words in verse number one, in the same way you wives be submissive to your own husband so that even if any of them are disabridant to the word, they may be one without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.

Believing wives, listen, in an unbelieving home, are the sanctifying influence of that home, the sanctifying influence of that home. And so Peter says, you need to live a certain kind of life. Your behavior must be chased. And so what you have is you have a man in their relationship so concerned about the needs of his wife that he will do all he can to sanctify her, to purify her, to make sure she's holy and blameless, because that's what he wants to have happen in the life of his wife. And on the other hand, you have a wife who lives a chaste behavior, a behavior that's so fearful because she understands her accountability to God that she lives in the light of him as her judge.

That's intimacy in the marriage. But sadly, oh, so sadly, most people live and have a superficial marriage. Not much happens. Oh, they have sex every once in a while. but they don't communicate much. They don't use their words to build one another up. They don't spend very much time together cultivating that relationship. They don't seek the need of that other person because they are so consumed with their needs that they don't even really care about the needs of their spouse. Sadly, that happens all the time.

But just think, if you tonight in your marriage, with your husband, with your wife, said, my ambition is to deepen marital intimacy. I will acknowledge God is my divine priority. He's number one.

And then I will build towards spiritual maturity. I'm going to grow in my walk with the Lord. In order that I might deepen marital intimacy in my marriage, that my husband and I might experience something on a level that we've never experienced before. My wife and I would be able to experience something on a level we've never, ever experienced before. That would be so fabulous. You can do that by saying, Lord, this is my choice. This is a direction I want to go. This is what I want to do. And then watch God, take your marriage and make it, something so unique that others will observe it, take notes, and begin to ask, how does it you do that?

Why is it your husband's that way or your wife is that way? Because of your commitment to Him. Let's pray together.